"Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe.  ~Gail Devers Ever since I was a little kid, I have loved watching the Olympics. What appeals to me most is athletes from all over the world coming together to fulfill their dreams. I'm awed by the commitment it takes to reach that level of excellence. I also find myself imagining what it would be like to compete against the best of the best, win, and stand atop the podium to receive a medal. The 2008 Beijing Games featured one thrill after another: Michael Phelps capturing 8 gold medals, Usain Bolt proving why he deserves the title "World's Fastest Man", the "Redeem Team" reclaiming basketball dominance and my personal favorite, Jason Lezak's heroic, come-from-behind swim in the 400 Meter Relay, clinching the gold for his team. Jason recalled his thoughts during his amazing feat: "This guy is far ahead, almost a body length. I am not going to give up. This is doable." Wow, talk about determination! Although most of us will never compete in the Olympics, we all want our lives to be "gold medal worthy". So if you want to go for the gold, it's time to refine, here's how... First, let's look at a few key attributes that Olympians have in common: They start with a VISION inspired by passion and imagination. And they aren't afraid to dream big. As Michael Phelps said, "You can't put a limit on anything. The more you dream, the farther you get." Olympians continually visualize their dream as if it's already a reality. Lisa Leslie had a concrete goal and a "visual" to go along with it. She said, "My dream was to have four gold medals around my neck by the time we finished our last game in Beijing." She achieved it and became the first female basketball player to win gold at four consecutive Olympics. Once the vision is clear, it takes DEDICATION to bring it to life. For Olympians, that means practicing even when they don't feel up to it. They press on because they realize the peak can only be reached by laying a strong foundation. Endless laps in the pool and repeating the same routine over and over are the building blocks to becoming a champion. As viewers, we tend to focus on the glory of Olympians winning medals. But you can bet each of them suffered setbacks along the way. Olympians differ from most in that even when the odds are stacked against them or they've experienced defeat, they don't quit. They display incredible RESILIENCE and keep coming back again and again, as was the case with Nastia Liukin. Many in her sport believed she was "washed up" and should "throw in the towel." She didn't listen and took home 5 medals, including the gold in the gymnastics All-Around competition. As Nastia said, "This makes it a little bit sweeter just knowing I've been through some pretty big injuries and had some doubters. It just made me so much stronger, and it made me the person I am today." If you ask any of the athletes, chances are they will tell you it wasn't a smooth ride to get to the top. There were injuries, pain, competitions they lost and people who doubted them. The difference is rather than letting this stop them, they used it as fuel to make them even stronger. And now for the most important attribute of all, in my opinion: BELIEF in oneself. In interview after interview what Olympians pointed to the most wasn't their amazing physical prowess or their years of training, it was a deep-seated belief in oneself. Time and again I heard them say, "I believed I could do it." Several athletes singled this out as what motivated them and propelled them to such great heights. As double gold medal winning sprinter LaShawn Merritt noted, "People said I was the underdog...But I believed I could do it, and that is the first step in winning." An unshakable belief in self is what distinguishes Olympians from the pack. What about you? Have you ever had a goal in mind but thought to yourself, "I don't think I can do it"? Stopping yourself before you even start. Or you attempted it half-heartedly with an underlying belief of, "I know I can't really do it." If you have a tendency to doubt yourself, concentrate on refining your current belief system. You can do this by using one of my favorite techniques: "positive brainwashing". Each time you find that voice of self-doubt cropping up in your mind telling you "I can't" or whatever the old tape playing in your head says when it comes to achieving your goals, notice the thought and then make a conscious choice to replace it with a new thought such as, "I believe I can do it" or "I believe in myself" or simply "I believe". Keep saying it every time you feel doubt and over time you will create a new belief, one that uplifts you instead of shackles you. And finally, for me, one of the highlights of the Olympics is seeing the athletes' elation after a hard fought win. Did you catch gold medal winning volleyball duo Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh jubilantly dancing in the sand? Their joy was contagious! Olympians know how to CELEBRATE their victories. I've noticed lots of people who reach goals and simply shrug it off as if it was nothing. Even if it was something they truly wanted and took a long time to attain. Many people do not celebrate their accomplishments. Often, they spend more time thinking about what they didn't do or what they think they could have done better. If that's you, it's time to do a 180: instead of expending all that energy focusing on what you didn't do, put the spotlight on what you DID do. And since you probably won't get to stand on a podium with a gold medal around your neck, it's up to you to create your own celebration. So whether you run around your home jumping up and down shouting "I did it!" or sit quietly and reflect on your achievement, you owe it to yourself to savor your minor and major victories. It's just like building a muscle, the more you do it, the stronger and more natural it becomes. Make a habit of praising yourself when you accomplish a goal. It's an essential component of being an Olympian and you want to go for the gold in your life, right? Until next time, keep refining! Love, Melissa Time to Refine Tips 1) Vision: See it! Start with a vision inspired by passion and imagination. Dream big! The more it terrifies you the more you're pushing the envelope and that's where you want to be. Once your dream is clear, continually picture it as if it's already a reality. 2) Dedication: Do it! It takes commitment to bring your vision to life. For an Olympian, it means endless laps in the pool and practicing the same routine over and over. Determine what the equivalent is for you and keep plugging away. 3) Resilience: Stick to it! Olympians differ from most in that even when the odds are stacked against them or they've experienced defeat, they don't succumb to negativity. So take a page from their playbook and instead of letting setbacks or naysayers stop you, use them as fuel to catapult you to the top. 4) Belief: Own it! The most important attribute of all is a deep-seated belief in oneself. If you have a tendency to doubt yourself, focus on refining your current belief system with "positive brainwashing". Each time you think "I can't do it" notice the thought and then make a conscious choice to replace it with: "I believe that I can do it" or "I believe in myself" or simply "I believe". Keep saying it every time you feel doubt and over time you will create a new belief, one that uplifts you instead of shackles you. 5) Celebrate: Acknowledge it! Since you probably won't get to stand on a podium with a gold medal around your neck, its up to you to create your own form of celebration. So whether you run around your home jumping up and down shouting "I did it!" or sit down and quietly reflect on your accomplishment, take time to savor your minor and major victories. * Gail Devers is a 3-time gold medal winner. She suffered many setbacks, including serious illness. She said, "the word 'quit' has never been part of my vocabulary" and proved it by winning a gold medal in the 100 Meter Dash at the 1992 Olympics in Barcelona, less than 17 months after doctors almost amputated her feet due to Graves' disease. © 2008 Melissa O'Brien. All rights reserved. If you have any questions, comments or topic suggestions, please contact me. email: melissa@liferefinery.com phone: 805-492-2782 web: http://www.liferefinery.com

"We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light" ~ Mary Dunbar

A couple weeks ago on February 14th, I thought about the 1st Valentine's Day that made an indelible impression on me. I was in 4th grade and my dad picked me up from school. On the passenger seat was a card and a beautifully wrapped little package, just for me. The gift was a bottle of perfume and I felt so elegant and special to receive such a grown-up present.

I still have that Valentine's card and have pulled it out often over the years to reminisce (the ink from my dad's handwriting is a little smudged from my tears). My dad passed away several years ago and there are certain gifts he gave me that will stay with me always.

Although mementos such as that Valentine's card are precious, even more significant are his words. He often said to me, especially when I needed a boost, "In the history of the world there has never been anyone else just like you and there will never be."

So this is the message I want to pass on to you: "In the history of the world there has never been anyone else just like you and there will never be." Like a haute couture gown, an original work of art or a snowflake, you are one-of-a-kind. No one else possesses the gifts you do. Even if on the surface it seems that others share similar traits or talents, only you can express them in your unique way.

Many people expend a lot of time and energy comparing themselves to others and judging themselves harshly. Instead, realize that there is no exact match for you so comparison is pointless! Rather than measuring yourself against others, focus on visualizing yourself at your best and let that be your ultimate role model.

If you are skeptical I can relate. I had a hard time buying into it myself. It's not uncommon to resist the idea that we are special and to doubt our magnificence. My hope is that by recognizing your uniqueness you will be inspired to have a deeper appreciation for yourself.

So what makes you unique? And I want to point out that although your outward appearance and physical skills are part of the equation, it's essential to look beyond the exterior to uncover the attributes that make up your "essence". By essence I mean the qualities that are intrinsic to you and that emanate from the "inner you", just as the brilliance of a diamond is intrinsic to the stone.

Let's take my dad for example. The physical traits that made him distinctive were his golden eyes, his booming voice and his commanding presence. The physical skills that made him unique were his ability to play the piano by ear from the age of 3 and his prowess at repairing anything mechanical. On an "essence" level, he exuded a fierceness and a fire, the likes of which I have never seen, which either inspired people to incredible heights or scared the heck out of them; it did both to me depending on his mood. And it was his essence that was his true gift. I attribute my passion for life, desire for excellence and determination directly to the impact his essence had on me. Throughout his life, he brought out these qualities in others as well. And so it is with you. You have an impact on others that nobody else can, just by being you.

So take time to think about what makes you unique, the impact you make and the gifts you bring to the world. When you truly recognize just how special you are it will transform the way you feel about yourself.

Now repeat after me: "In the history of the world there has never been anyone else just like me and there will never be." Revere yourself as you would any one-of-a-kind masterpiece!

Until next time, keep refining!

Love,

Melissa

 

Time to Refine Tips

1. Realize that like a haute couture gown, an original work of art or a snowflake, you are one-of-a-kind. Even if on the surface it seems that others share similar traits or talents, only you can express them in your unique way.

2. Write down 3 physical attributes and/or skills that make you uniquely you.

3. Write down 3 "essence" qualities that emanate from the "inner you".

4. Reflect on the above, paying particular attention to the "essence" qualities. What gifts do you bring to the world in the special way only you can? How can you more fully express your gifts going forward?

5. Repeat after me: "In the history of the world there has never been anyone else just like me and there will never be." Revere yourself as you would any one-of-a- kind masterpiece!

© 2008 Melissa O'Brien. All rights reserved.

If you have any questions, comments or topic suggestions, please contact me.

email: melissa@liferefinery.com

phone: 805-492-2782

web: http://www.liferefinery.com

 

 

 

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

The other day I happened to catch the last part of an interview with the actress who plays Mrs. McCluskey, the feisty neighbor on Desperate Housewives. Her face was familiar to me although I didn't know her name. I was about to change the channel when she said something that made me stop and listen. She mentioned that she began her acting career at age 42. The interviewer asked what prompted her to start acting "later in life." The actress revealed that her dying mother had expressed painful regret about not following her dreams. Because of this, "Mrs. McCluskey" vowed to pursue her own dream of becoming a performer.

When the interview was over, I googled "Mrs. McCluskey" and found her real name: Kathryn Joosten. I also discovered that what I heard in the interview was just the tip of the iceberg of a very inspirational story. At the time Kathryn decided to pursue her dream, she was recently divorced and struggling to support 2 young sons. In order to make ends meet, she painted houses and hung wallpaper during the day. And to work toward her dream, she took acting classes and performed in community theater at night.

Eventually she got her first "big break", a year-long role as a performer at Disney World, which meant relocating to Florida. Once that role ended, she did bartending and catering work to support herself while continuing to hone her acting skills. Kathryn realized she needed to raise the stakes in order to take her dream to the next level so she packed up a truck and drove to Hollywood. She arrived with no agent and no industry contacts but five months later landed her 1st part on a sit-com (2 lines on the show "Family Matters"). Everything snowballed from there. To date, she's been featured in several plays, films and commercials as well as over 20 major television series, including: Scrubs, West Wing and Ally McBeal. She even won an Emmy for her performance in Desperate Housewives.

I believe there are several important lessons to be learned from Kathryn's story. The main one is that it's never too late to pursue your dreams. Personally, I've encountered a rare few who know what their dream is, let alone who are actively working toward it. Many people lock their dreams away, convinced they are out of reach. Others hang onto an old dream that doesn't excite them anymore. How about you?

If you're not clear about your dream and/or aren't actively working toward it, it's time to refine, here's how...

The first step is to ask yourself, "What is my dream?" What is it that makes you feel alive? So much so that when you're immersed in it your passion is ignited. Some of you know instantly what this is and can even visualize yourself doing it. If that's you, fantastic! And if you're proactively bringing your dream to life, that's even better.

For those who aren't sure of their dream or are in need of a new one, you'll want to do some discovery work. To get started, spend some quiet time reflecting on what brings you joy. Think back to when you were a child, what activities made you happy? As you go through your day, begin to notice what "lights you up." Keep gathering clues to bring your dream into focus.

Now let's talk about a few "dream busters." In my opinion, they are the primary reason so many dreams go unrealized. Here are a few to watch out for:

Too Busy

This is probably the number one reason given for not making progress on goals and dreams. Women especially have a tendency to put everyone else first. Consequently, their desires end up at the bottom of the list. You can ALWAYS choose to put someone or something ahead of your dreams but if you do, a part of you will remain unfulfilled. Now is the time to move your dream to the top of your priority list and to take action. Put it on your calendar, set a date with yourself, whatever it takes to remind you that working toward your dream is of the utmost importance.

Too Late

Think of how many people you know (maybe even yourself) who've said, "I'd love to do that but it's just too late." As we saw in Kathryn's case, it's never too late. This also brings to mind a client who was questioning whether or not to pursue a college degree. "I'll be 30 by the time I finish!" He said horrified. "So you get to choose, you can be 30 with a college degree or 30 without one." I replied. He decided to go for the degree, was thrilled when he achieved it and in the process discovered just how little age matters. Instead of being hung up on your age or wishing you'd started sooner, put your focus on what you CAN do going forward and you'll be amazed by the progress you make.

Not _________ Enough

Another lesson to be learned from Kathryn's story is that you don't have to fit the stereotypical mold to succeed. Many people let self-limiting beliefs hold them back. They say things like, "I'm not smart enough", "I'm not attractive enough" (educated, experienced or whatever enough, the list goes on and on). But Kathryn (and countless others) shatter this myth. By showing up at community theater Kathryn put one foot firmly on the path to her dream. And although she doesn't have the "cookie cutter" actress look, still built an outstanding and lucrative career. If she had said to herself, "I'll never make it because I don't look like one of Charlie's Angel's", she'd have no role on Desperate Housewives, no Emmy and no acting career period. So start recognizing and releasing any self-limiting beliefs that are holding you back.

Lack of Money / Resources

As we saw in Kathryn's story, making your dream a reality often takes persistence, sacrifice and a "whatever it takes" attitude. When you're fueled by passion it feels more like an inspired quest than an arduous struggle. The key is to keep your dream alive every step of the way and that doesn't necessarily cost money. For example, if you dream of traveling to exotic places, rather than not thinking about it because you "can't afford it", use visual reminders and engage in activities that stoke your passion while you work toward it. A would-be traveler might use her computer screen saver as a visual reminder, study the language, learn how to cook cuisine of the region: various simple yet fun actions to stay connected to the dream. She might also think outside the box for ideas that involve travel. I know a woman who had a burning desire to travel but couldn't afford to do it on her own dime so she signed up with a courier company (yes, there are companies that hire people to transport documents in exchange for a discounted airline ticket and it's legit). Now I'm not saying being a courier is for everyone but I am saying that there are numerous ways to bring you closer to your dream so have fun brainstorming creative options.

After just seeing the movie "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly", a remarkable true story of a man who "dictated" his memoir by blinking one eye (the only part of him that wasn't paralyzed by a stroke), I know that anything is possible no matter how implausible it seems. The strength of the human spirit is awe-inspiring and when it's focused on a dream, it is unstoppable.

Let's make 2008 the year of bringing dreams to life.

Until next time, keep refining!

Love, Melissa

Time to Refine Tips

1. Ask yourself, "What's my dream?" If you have clarity and are actively working toward it, great! Keep going and determine additional steps you can take to amp it up.

2. If you aren't sure what your dream is or are in need of a new one, spend time reflecting on what brings you joy. Think back to when you were a child, what activities made you happy? As you go through your day, begin to notice what lights you up. Keep gathering clues to help bring your dream into focus.

3. Instead of letting "dream busters" such as: "too busy", "too late", "not enough money" and self-limiting beliefs stop you, make your dream a priority and focus on what you CAN do right now. You'll be amazed by the progress you make.

4. Keep your dream alive with visual reminders and activities that stoke your passion while you work toward it. Have fun brainstorming creative options to help you stay connected to your dream.

5. The strength of the human spirit is awe-inspiring and when it's focused on a dream it is unstoppable. Let's make 2008 the year of bringing dreams to life.

P.S. Here's to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., someone who truly understood the power of a dream!

© 2008 Melissa O'Brien. All rights reserved.

If you have any questions, comments or topic suggestions, please contact me.

email: melissa@liferefinery.com

phone: 805-492-2782

web: http://www.liferefinery.com

"May you look back on the past with as much pleasure as you look forward to the future." ~Paul Dickson


Last weekend I attended a fantastic musical production of "The Rat Pack", a tribute to Frank Sinatra and his gang who ruled Las Vegas in the 60's. Being the Frank fanatic that I am, I was in heaven! And for a couple of hours, I was able to appreciate what it was like to be in Frank's world.

The tribute was packed with wonderful moments and great performances; it also had its share of bad jokes and corny gags, all of which combined to create a one-of-a-kind experience.

The show made me think about how lovely it is to reminisce about the past and also reminded me how rarely most people pay tribute to their own lives. For many, thoughts about the past revolve around "mistakes" and self-criticism. Perhaps this is due to the very human tendency to discount one's accomplishments in favor of dwelling on perceived shortcomings. If this sounds like you, it's time to make a shift and learn to appreciate your journey. By doing so, you can gain wisdom from all that you've experienced.

Here's a simple yet meaningful exercise to help you do just that. The purpose is to guide you in creating a tribute to honor your life over the past year. And for those of you who say it was an uneventful year and there's nothing to honor, that's a signal that you need to dig deeper!

So take a break from the holiday hustle and bustle to reflect on your year, using the questions at the end of this newsletter. For maximum results, mull them over thoughtfully and journal your insights.

I recommend that you pay tribute not only to your most shining and memorable moments of 2007 but the low points as well. The ups and the downs woven together create the rich tapestry of your life. As Frank recommends: "Think of your life as vintage wine from the brim to the dregs". The fact is, you'll often find the greatest wisdom in those dregs so learn to savor them, too!

And rather than getting caught up in what you didn't accomplish or how the year didn't turn out as you had hoped, take the advice Frank dispenses in "That's Life": "Each time you find yourself flat on your face, pick yourself up and get back in the race." That means assessing your goals and deciding what you truly want to accomplish. You may find that you've been hanging onto old dreams that just don't suit you anymore. If so, send them packing. Next, zero-in on what prevented you from achieving the goals that were important to you, yet remained unrealized. The point is to identify and remove roadblocks so you can set empowering intentions for 2008. You'll want to steer clear of regret or "woulda, shoulda, coulda" since that will only hold you back.

Once you've reflected on the questions below and have clarity, draw a bath or find a cozy place to curl up, light a few candles and meditate on all that you've accomplished and discovered this year. Really drink it in because you deserve to be celebrated!

This is a terrific way to bid a fond farewell to 2007 and set the stage for the new year.

Happy holidays. See you in 2008. As Frank says, "The Best is Yet to Come!"

Until next time, keep refining!

Love, Melissa

Time to Refine Questions

For Reflection and Journaling

In 2007:

1. What was your greatest achievement?

2. What was your proudest moment?

3. What was your biggest "failure"? In coaching we celebrate failure because it means you took a risk, which provided a learning opportunity. So remember, no "woulda, shoulda, coulda", only objective assessment to uncover the wisdom.

4. What was your biggest lesson?

5. In 2008, how will you apply what you learned this year?



"It Was a Very Good Year" written by Ervin Drake

"That's Life" written by Kelly Gordon & Dean Kay

"The Best is Yet to Come" written by Carolyn Leigh & Cy Coleman

© 2007 Melissa O'Brien. All rights reserved.

If you have any questions, comments or topic suggestions, please contact me.

email: melissa@liferefinery.com
phone: 805-492-2782
web: http://www.liferefinery.com

"In our daily lives, we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but the gratefulness that makes us happy." ~Albert Clarke I have to admit, when I was growing up Thanksgiving was never one of my favorite holidays. Don't get me wrong, I love to eat and there is certainly an abundance of yummy foods that go along with this holiday, but to me it was usually too much of a good thing. It somehow went from family members savoring a delicious feast to stuffing themselves until they felt sick. And other than "saying grace" and complimenting the cook, gratitude seemed pretty scarce to me. But that changed when, during my teen years, my family moved from a suburban Phoenix neighborhood to Santa Monica. Our beautiful tree lined street in Santa Monica was only a few blocks from Wilshire Blvd. and its many homeless. I was shocked to see people who had so little. It was an awakening that helped me realize how very fortunate I was. The first Thanksgiving in our new home provided a wonderful opportunity to help someone. As soon as we finished dinner I grabbed a container, filled it with as much delicious food as it would hold and ran out the door with my mom yelling after me, "Oh Missy, is that my good Tupperware? Be careful, come right back." I remember racing as fast as I could to Wilshire Blvd. so that the food would stay warm. Excitedly, I scanned the sidewalk searching for someone in need. And then I spotted him. I walked up to the man, handed him the container and simply said, "This is for you, happy Thanksgiving." I'll never forget the look of gratitude on his face as he took it and said, "Thank you." I can recall the exhilaration as I ran home, feeling that I had experienced the true meaning of Thanksgiving. I was so grateful to be able to share my bounty and he was so grateful to receive - it made my heart sing! Perhaps you've experienced a similar situation where you've done something kind and felt a surge of happiness. Well, there's a scientific explanation for this. Researchers have found that mood elevators such as endorphins and dopamine are released when you do a good deed. According to Robert Emmons, professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis and an authority on the study of gratitude, "Gratitude is literally one of the few things that can measurably change peoples' lives. Grateful people experience higher levels of positive emotions such as joy, enthusiasm, love, happiness, and optimism." Positive psychology researchers have found that up to 40 percent of an individual's happiness may come from conscious endeavors to cultivate it and gratitude is an integral part of the package. Building your "gratitude muscles" is similar to building your body's muscles: in order to see results you need to work at it and in order to sustain the results you need to create a habit. And don't be discouraged if you initially gravitate toward the negative. Professor Emmons says that human beings have a "negativity bias" and points out that "incoming emotions and thoughts are more likely to be unpleasant rather than pleasant." Focusing on gratitude can counteract this tendency toward negativity and help tip the scales toward the positive. So if you want to foster more gratitude in your life, it's time to refine. Here's how: Create a "Gratitude Journal" No matter who you are or what your situation, there is always something to be grateful for. It's just a matter of consciously identifying these things. A wonderful way to do this is to create a "Gratitude Journal". Before you go to sleep each night review the day and write down 3 - 5 things that stood out, no matter how small or seemingly inconsequential. It's natural to include pleasant experiences but also remember to look in unexpected places, such as situations that might have been unpleasant in the moment. For example, my husband included "all my non-flat tire days and AAA towing service" in his gratitude journal on a day his car had a flat tire. Practicing this will teach you to become accustomed to looking for good even in trying situations. Write a "Gratitude Letter" We all have people who have touched our lives and these people are often unaware of the difference they've made. Think of someone you're grateful for and write a heartfelt letter about what (s)he means to you. For extra impact, arrange to meet with her or him so you can read the letter in person. No matter how you relay the message, the recipient will be thrilled to receive it and you will experience the joy that comes with expressing gratitude. I know a woman who did this for her grandmother. And when her grandmother passed away unexpectedly a few months later, my friend experienced tremendous peace knowing that her grandmother had a chance to hear just how much she meant to her. Practice mindfulness In our fast paced world, it's easy to get stuck in a "going through the motions" mode without taking time to truly experience life. So throughout the day, be mindful of your surroundings and appreciate whatever is happening in the moment. Pay attention to the beauty that is all around you; once you start to look you'll see it everywhere! When you're outside, look up at the sky, notice the trees, feel the cool breeze on your face. When you're washing your hands, notice how the water feels as it touches your skin. At meals, take time to savor what you're eating and be grateful for the complex process it took to bring the food to your table. Even the breath you just took is a miracle! Each moment of the day provides an opportunity to be grateful, so take time to notice. Share your abundance There's nothing like helping those in need to make you realize how fortunate you are. Make a point to share your abundance with others. Abundance isn't only financial wealth; there are 3 forms to consider: time, talent and treasure. Time and talent can be volunteered (and by the way, any ability that can be used to help others is a talent); treasure (money or goods) can be donated. By sharing your abundance, you improve the lives of others and experience the joy of giving, too. So make this Thanksgiving a real celebration of gratitude. Whether it's being grateful for your family and friends and truly savoring those connections throughout the day or serving meals at a homeless shelter, gratitude can transform Thanksgiving from an eating orgy into a celebration of blessings. Until next time, keep refining! Love, Melissa P.S. I am grateful for you. Thank you for reading and happy Thanksgiving! Time to Refine Tips 1. Create a "Gratitude Journal" Before you go to sleep at night, review the day and write down 3 - 5 things that stood out, no matter how small or seemingly inconsequential. It's natural to include pleasant experiences but also remember to look in unexpected places and see if you can find the blessing. 2. Write a "Gratitude Letter" We all have people who have touched our lives and these people are often unaware of the difference they've made. Think of someone you're grateful for and write a heartfelt letter about what (s)he means to you. For extra impact, arrange to meet with her or him so you can read the letter in person. 3. Practice mindfulness Throughout the day, be mindful of your surroundings and appreciate whatever is happening in the moment. Pay attention to the beauty that is all around you. When you're outside, look up at the sky, notice the trees, feel the cool breeze on your face. At meals, take time to savor what you're eating and be grateful for the complex process it took to bring the food to your table. Each moment of the day provides an opportunity to be grateful, so take time to notice. 4. Share your abundance There's nothing like helping those in need to make you realize how fortunate you are. So share your abundance with others. Abundance isn't only financial wealth; there are 3 forms to consider: time, talent and treasure. Time and talent can be volunteered and treasure (money or goods) can be donated. By sharing your abundance you improve the lives of others and experience the joy of giving, too! 5. Make Thanksgiving a celebration of gratitude Whether it's being grateful for your family and friends and truly savoring those connections throughout the day or serving meals at a homeless shelter, gratitude is what can transform Thanksgiving from an eating orgy into a celebration of blessings. Sources: Emmons, Robert A. Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier. Houghton Mifflin, 2007. Heilig, Steve. "In 'Thanks!' Robert Emmons explains why it's good to be grateful." San Francisco Chronicle. August 19, 2007. Price, Catherine. "Stumbling toward Gratitude." Greater Good. Summer 2007. © 2007 Melissa O'Brien. All rights reserved. If you have any questions, comments or topic suggestions, please contact me.

"The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it." ~Jean Paul The other day I had a conversation with a wonderful woman in her mid-sixties. She mentioned that some of her peers had passed away recently and it was a wake-up call for her. She said it caused her to realize that the time is NOW to do the things she always wanted to do and to create the life she truly desires. This realization can be attributed to what a recent article in the Los Angeles Times described as the "shrinking time horizons" that people face as they move into their later years. It's the awareness that there is a limited amount of time ahead. You may find it hard to believe, but this actually increases happiness and contentment. It's contrary to what we may think because aging is so often associated with declining health and diminishing physical capacities. But according to new studies, this really doesn't matter so much once we are older. In fact, according to Dr. Peter Ubel, Director of the Center for Behavioral and Decision Sciences in Medicine at the University of Michigan, "The typical 75 year old is more satisfied and happier than the typical 25 year old." This is good news in more ways than one. First, it can help us have a less gloomy attitude toward aging. And second, we can benefit from the wisdom of our elders to better appreciate our lives right now. It often takes a shock such as the death of a loved one or serious illness to get people to realize that life is precious and fleeting. So the secret is to become aware of that RIGHT NOW, regardless of your age or circumstances. So if you want to be more happy and content, it's time to refine. Here's how... A tool we use in coaching that simulates the shrinking time horizon is called "future self visualization." It entails imagining yourself 20 years in the future and vividly seeing the life you've created: your work, your home, your appearance/demeanor and what matters most to you. It allows you to gain wisdom from your "future self", who has had the benefit of 20 years additional life experience. A key question clients ask their future self is: "What do I need to know to get me from where I am now to where you are?" Some pearls of wisdom I've heard from my clients' future selves include: "Not taking life so seriously", "Putting myself first", "Not working so hard", "Believing in myself more", "Not putting off what I want to do" and "Not settling for less than I deserve." If you haven't experienced the future self exercise, take some time to reflect on what kind of life you want to look back on in 20 years. What choices are you making today that are incompatible with that vision? What decisions can you make today that support your vision? The bottom line is, rather than pushing away thoughts about your own mortality or being fearful about it, use it to inspire you to create the life you truly want right now. Another reason many people are increasingly content as they age is because they become less ruled by their emotions. They're still able to experience emotions but they are more even keel and tend to take things less seriously. One study showed that older people were about 30% less reactive than younger people. It also pointed out that older people experience less negative emotion and their recovery time from it is much faster. So take a cue from the older generation and practice taking things in stride. When you notice yourself becoming aggravated over a minor annoyance, instead of a knee jerk reaction, recognize how insignificant it is in the grand scheme of things and let it go. The goal is to experience events and situations without allowing them to be so emotionally disruptive and bounce back from negativity more quickly. Speaking of emotions, take a look at your goals. Seniors tend to set goals that are "emotionally meaningful", whereas young people tend to set materialistic goals. So rather than struggling and striving to garner accolades or possessions, focus on endeavors that will bring you joy and fulfillment. Make a point to carve out time for these life-enriching activities. Elders are also much more discerning about how they spend their time and with whom they spend it. This is a direct result of the shrinking time awareness. They don't want to waste their precious time on things or people they don't enjoy - and neither do you! So start paying more attention to how you're spending your time. Are you doing what you want to do? Are you spending time with people you like to be around? If not, start making new choices. Lastly, it's a good idea to practice being cheerful on a daily basis. According to neuropsycholgist Stacey Wood, the general disposition you have at 30 will be about the same as when you're 70. Wouldn't you rather be a cheery oldster than a cranky one? So smile now and chances are you'll be smiling later, too. Until next time, keep refining! Love, Melissa Time to Refine Tips 1. Realize that life is precious and fleeting. Rather than pushing away thoughts about your own mortality or being fearful about it, use it to help you create the life you truly want right now. Take some time to reflect on what kind of life you want to look back on in 20 years. What choices are you making today that are incompatible with that vision? What decisions can you make today that support your vision? 2. Start taking things in stride. When you notice yourself becoming aggravated by a minor annoyance, instead of a knee jerk reaction, put it in perspective and let it go. 3. Pay attention to how and with whom you spend your time. Are you doing what you want to do? Are you spending time with people you enjoy? If not, start making new choices. 4. Make a point to carve out time for life-enriching activities. Instead of struggling and striving to garner accolades or material possessions, focus on endeavors that will bring you joy and fulfillment. 5. Practice being cheerful on a daily basis. Since our general disposition tends to be consistent throughout life, smile now and chances are you'll be smiling later, too. Reference material: Los Angeles Times © 2007 Melissa O’Brien. All rights reserved. email: melissa@liferefinery.com phone: 805-492-2782 web: http://www.liferefinery.com (please visit my News & Updates page to subscribe)

Hi Everybody,

Perhaps you've been watching/reading the news and are horrified about the situation in Burma and wondering what can be done. Here is a petition you can sign: http://www.avaaz.org/en/stand_with_burma/ The following message is from one of my teachers (Patrick Ryan), from the Leadership program at CTI (The Coaches Training Institute, http://www.thecoaches.com/) where I did my life coaching training, I just want to spread the word.  Love, Melissa

Hello All,

Everyone please send prayers and light to Burma NOW!

If you are curious about what is going on there please keep reading.
If not then at least take one minute right now to pray for the
Burmese people - thank you.

My name is Patrick Ryan. I used to be a Buddhist monk in Burma.
I have personally seen chain gangs of children crushing rock to build
roads in conditions no human should ever have to endure.
I have met monks who survived being shot at and coerced by the
military and who lost friends to the violent junta. I have seen
villages that were relocated to cut the people off from their nearby
spiritual support and I myself had been detained by the military a
few times only to be threatened and released.

This is a critical time in the life of the Burmese people. The monks
are marching in the streets and are holding the space of the
spiritual and moral correctness of democracy and freedom. This hasn't
happened at this level for many years.
The reason the monks are doing this is because most of the Burmese
lay people that have dared to speak out have either been arrested or
worse.
There is a critical mass of energy right now that might be a tipping
point against the cruel military regime.
This is the time to be vocal, this is the time for us to put any
pressure we can on the military.

We need all western governments to step up NOW!

Economic pressure does work.

Where is the leverage point for economic pressure?

The main supporter of the Burmese/Myanmar military in the past has
been the Chinese government. Now that China is about to host the 2008
Olympics they want to be in the favor of the Western people. That is us!

As the nation that provides the most support for the military junta
of Burma it follows that China also has the most leverage. I believe
the strongest and most effective influence that could create a
peaceful change would be the Chinese government applying economic
sanctions and pressure on the Burmese military junta.

If any of you know of any organizations doing business in China
please ask them to use whatever influence they have to create and
support such sanctions against the Burmese military.

Right now western companies are anticipating advertising exposure
from the upcoming Olympics. We could boycott the viewing of the
Chinese Olympics including not watching it on TV unless the Chinese
government steps up in not supporting such cruel regimes as the one
controlling Burma.
China has an opportunity to show the world that they are at least
against cruel, greedy, military oppression even if it doesn't embrace
democracy.
That might scare a few western advertisers into using their leverage.
Do you know any Olympic advertisers. We need them to step up now.

Also rumors are that Aung San Su Kui, the noble prize winner for her
work in bringing democracy to Burma only to be arrested for her
efforts, has been moved from a 17 year house arrest situation to a
Burmese prison. This is very bad. She is the people's greatest hope
for the future.

I met her in her home in 1996 when she was briefly released from
house arrest. She is a strong and courageous woman who has given her
life towards freeing the people of Burma. Many others including monks
have been murdered by this military and the only reason she has been
kept alive all these years is because the military is scared of what
would happen to them if something even worse happened to her.

Her best chance for safety is for us to keep watching - closely.

I could go on but I am sure you get the point.

The butterfly effect is you. You do matter.

Your energy does matter, your wishes and prayers do move mountains,
and your creativity is needed now to support this critical change
that is trying to happen. If you have any idea or know anybody of
influence please ACT!

***Posted by Margaret Graham: Here's a list from the US Campaign for Burma with additional actions people can take:

- Be a part of our 88,000 signatures campaign. I am asking people to collectively gather 88,000 signatures from around the world, calling on Chinese President Hu Jintao to compel Burma towards valid national reconciliation. Sign the petition here online:

[ http://www.democracyinaction.org/dia/organizations/uscampaignforburma/petition.jsp?petition_KEY=730&t=HomePage.dwt

http://www.democracyinaction.org/dia/organizations/uscampaignforburma/petition.jsp?petition_KEY=730&t=HomePage.dwt

OH BUT WAIT... you don't get off to so easy. Download the petition from our website and get hundreds and thousands of people to sign it. We're going for 88,000. Download Petition Here:

[ http://uscampaignforburma.org/action/ChinaPetition%5B1%5D.pdf

http://uscampaignforburma.org/action/ChinaPetition%5B1%5D.pdf

- Hold a Saffron Supporting Event.. It doesn't matter whether you live in a major city or not, you can still organize an event. These can be a powerful tool to raise awareness in your home town, and millions of eyes on Burma is exactly what we need with the military on the verge of a violent crackdown. You can organize a march, candle light vigil, or get creative and do any sort of action that will work for you and your community. Global Events are occurring this next week and I want the US to be well represented. Sign up to hold an action in your town here: Click Here to Sign Up: [ http://www.democracyinaction.org/dia/organizations/uscampaignforburma/event/distributedEventSignup.jsp?distributed_event_KEY=324&t=HomePage.dwt

http://www.democracyinaction.org/dia/organizations/uscampaignforburma/event/distributedEventSignup.jsp?distributed_event_KEY=324&t=HomePage.dwt

- Donate to USCB: We are running at full steam and are in strong need of financial assistance. Click Here to Donate: [ https://secure.democracyinaction.org/dia/organizations/uscampaignforburma/shop/custom.jsp?donate_page_KEY=1313

https://secure.democracyinaction.org/dia/organizations/uscampaignforburma/shop/custom.jsp?donate_page_KEY=1313

- Create a YouTube video for the Republican presidential debates asking them what they will do to help Burma: [ http://www.youtube.com/debates ]http://www.youtube.com/debates

"Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off until the day after tomorrow what should have been done the day before yesterday." ~Napoleon Hill Does this sound familiar: you have something you really want to accomplish but you keep putting it off and don't understand why? Maybe you chalk it up to "being lazy" and then mentally beat yourself up about it. Well, if so, you're not alone. Many successful, high achievers struggle with procrastination and it's rarely due to laziness. So if putting things off is getting you down, it's time to refine. Here's how... Let's start by exploring 2 keys reasons behind procrastination: perfectionism and fear. Many people who grapple with procrastination are perfectionists. This makes sense because if self-imposed standards are impossibly high, it's difficult to finalize anything. Perfectionists often suffer from self-defeating thoughts that get in the way of task completion. Constantly minimizing themselves and their accomplishments becomes such an ingrained habit, perfectionists doubt that they can do anything "good enough." So they delay, delay, delay and suffer all the while. Another primary cause of procrastination is fear. Whether fear of failure or fear of success, both are accompanied by unhealthy thoughts. With fear of failure, thoughts such as these are common: "My results will be judged and I might come up short"; "If it's not good enough people will think I'm a fraud"; "I may fall on my face and be embarrassed." With fear of success, people have thoughts such as: "If I excel, the spotlight will be on me and I don't want the attention"; "If I win, someone else loses"; "If I succeed, people will expect more from me going forward." In addition to perfectionism and fear, there are many other possible causes underlying procrastination which include: people thinking that the goal/task will be too difficult to accomplish, that it will take too long or they simply don't know where to begin. I've also encountered people who have convinced themselves that they do their best work under pressure. Usually it's just that they have become accustomed to the adrenalin rush that accompanies last minute panic. Sometimes it's about control as in, "Nobody's going to tell me what to do," or "I'll do it when I'm good and ready!" Whatever the cause, the common denominator is that people have developed a habit of procrastination and it is creating unnecessary stress and strain in their lives. I feel it's important to make a distinction between obligatory tasks and discretionary endeavors. Obligatory tasks are things such as your taxes, expense reports, projects at work, anything that has negative consequences if the deadline isn't met. Examples: you'll get penalized, you won't get paid or you'll get fired. Often these are tasks you don't enjoy so you put them off for as long as possible. Sometimes anger and resentment hold people back from making progress. For instance, you might feel it's unfair that you have to do a particular assignment at work or you're angry at how much you have to pay in taxes. So you procrastinate, which only makes it more stressful and unpleasant. On the other hand, discretionary endeavors are things that you'd like to accomplish for a variety of reasons. It could be for the sheer joy, to give you a sense of accomplishment or to make your life better/happier. These range from the small (putting your photos in albums or cleaning out your "junk drawer") to the grand (writing a book or getting an advanced degree). Most dreams fall into this category and because they are not obligatory (meaning there are no punitive consequences if you don't follow through), it's easy to justify putting them off. In addition, many women put others' needs and wants before their own so they tend to "backburner" personal dreams and desires. With obligatory tasks, there's no getting around it, you need to get them done. It's in your best interest to move forward in a timely fashion so you can focus on other priorities. Here are some tips to apply (you can also use the ones at the end of the next section): Be like Spock: I was channel surfing the other night and landed on Star Trek. It struck me how Mr. Spock relies solely on his logic. So take a page from his book and put your logical mind to work. Instead of saying to yourself: "I hate doing this and even though it's due tomorrow, I'll start it later", let your logical mind lead the way. It will tell you, "Although I'd rather not work on this, I'm on deadline so I'd better start now." Keep it simple: sometimes people make a task more difficult than it needs to be. Pare it down to what truly needs to be done to bring it to satisfactory completion, then move on. Reward yourself: treating yourself can provide great incentive. Tell yourself once you wrap up your project you can hit an afternoon matinee or get a pedicure, whatever will entice you to completion. Just make sure to choose rewards that are in line with your mission and save them until you've finished the project, not as an alternative to working on it! With discretionary endeavors, decide if it's something that you truly want to accomplish. If it is, you will be able to do so by making it a priority and chipping away at it. If it's on the list just so you have something "hanging over your head" to make you feel bad (yes, that's more common than you think), then these tips aren't going to be effective. As William James said, "Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task." So make the decision to do it or take it off the list. Here are additional tips to experiment with. See which one(s) work for you: "Bird by Bird": Instead of dwelling on all the things you can't do related to the task/goal, ask yourself, "What CAN I do?" and start there. Even if it's one tiny thing, it will move you a step closer to completion. I love this story from Anne Lamott's book Bird by Bird: "...my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds written that he'd had three month to write. It was due the next day...he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother's shoulder, and said, 'Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.'" And that's the secret, just take it one step at a time and you'll get there! Trade in perfection for "good enough": hearing that is enough to make any perfectionist cringe. But realize that perfectionism can provide an excuse for inaction. Practically everything is deemed not good enough and is either left unfinished until the last possible second or doesn't get completed/submitted at all. The way to remedy this is by adjusting your standards so they're more realistic. It might be difficult in the beginning but your completion rate will soar! Also, take a look at this: the need for absolute perfection might be a feeling that YOU are not good enough so focus on telling yourself that you are good enough and your work is good enough, too. Praise yourself for even the smallest thing. Imperfection and mistakes are part of the process so learn to embrace them. Make a research "pit stop": sometimes it's lack of knowledge that stops people from moving forward. If that's what's holding you back, do some research. But make it just enough to get you going. You can gather other necessary info as you go along. Procrastinators love to find places to "park." Consider your research a pit stop not a parking place! Picture this: visualize how you'll feel when you finish. The mind is very powerful so use it as your ally. For inspiration before you begin and whenever you find yourself stuck, close your eyes, breathe deeply and imagine yourself having completed the project (a would-be author might see herself at her book release party, holding her book and smiling). Feel it in your body as you visualize. Keep that image/feeling in mind to help motivate you. No more excuses: excuses and rationalizations are the glue that hold procrastination together. Whenever you hear yourself saying/thinking one of your familiar old lines that stop you from making progress ("I need to do this instead"; "I work best under pressure", "I have plenty of time", etc.), stop yourself and replace it with, "Just do it!" or any other slogan that will get you going. Many procrastinators want to find the ideal place to begin but there is no such thing. It doesn't matter where you start, just start. There's no time like the present! Until next time, keep refining! Love, Melissa Time to Refine Tips 1. Be like Spock Take a page from Mr. Spock's book and put your logical mind to work. Instead of saying to yourself: "I hate doing this and even though it's due tomorrow, I'll start it later", let your logical mind lead the way. It will tell you, "Although I'd rather not work on this, I'm on deadline so I'd better start now." 2. Keep it simple Rather than making a task more difficult than it needs to be, pare it down to what truly needs to be done to bring it to satisfactory completion, then move on. 3. Bird by Bird Instead of dwelling on all the things you can't do related to the task/goal, ask yourself, "What CAN I do?" and start there. Even if it's one tiny thing, it will move you a step closer to completion. 4. Trade in perfection for good enough Adjust your standards so they're more realistic and your completion rate will soar! Also, take a look at this: the need for absolute perfection might be a feeling that YOU are not good enough. Focus on telling yourself that you are good enough and your work is good enough, too. Praise yourself for even the smallest thing. Imperfection and mistakes are part of the process so learn to embrace them. 5. No excuses Excuses and rationalizations are the glue that hold procrastination together. Whenever you hear yourself saying/thinking one of your familiar old lines that stop you from making progress ("I need to do this instead"; I work best under pressure, "I have plenty of time", etc.) stop yourself and replace it with, "Just do it!" or any other slogan that will get you going. Many procrastinators want to find the ideal place to begin but there is no such thing. It doesn't matter where you start, just start. There's no time like the present! Sources: Cal Poly State University Study Skills Library, San Luis Obispo, CA Procrastination by Jane B. Burka and Lenora M. Yuen, Ph.D © 2007 Melissa O'Brien. All rights reserved. email: melissa@liferefinery.com phone: 805-492-2782 web: http://www.liferefinery.com (please visit my News & Updates page to subscribe)

"Our friends should be companions who inspire us, who help us rise to our best. " ~Joseph B. Wirthlin Last week, I had the pleasure of spending time with a group of friends I met through a leadership training program. Although I haven't known them long, we've developed a great connection and had a wonderful time enjoying each other's company. And yesterday, I had lunch with a dear friend I've known for years. We had fun laughing about shared experiences and talking about our dreams for the future. These interactions made me think about what a gift friendship is. Studies have shown that friends can even have a major impact on our health and wellbeing. Chances are you already have a fantastic group of friends. However, if you want your "inner circle" to be even more enriched, it's time to refine. Here's how... Since everything starts with you, think about what kind of friend you are. Are you a positive presence? Do you tell your friends you believe in them and show your support? Are you a great listener? Are you there when they need you (not just when you need them)? Think about the qualities you feel exemplify a true friend and if you're not already demonstrating those qualities, start now! Next, seek out and connect with "Eagles". Eagles are people who inspire you and encourage you to achieve your personal best. When you're in their presence you feel uplifted. They're people who are already doing/being what you want to do/be. When you encounter an Eagle, make a point of connecting with him or her. A great way to do this is by simply striking up a conversation and asking about his or her path to success. Eagles love to help others succeed! Set the intention to attract more Eagles into your inner circle. Now let's talk about a few personality types that you'll want to omit from your inner circle, we'll call them "fictitious friends": The Downer: everything in her world is negative and she loves to share it with you. Complaining and finding fault are her favorite pastimes. Whenever you're excited about something, she's ready to tell you all the reasons it won't work, why you can't do it and all the potential problems you'll face. It's no surprise that you feel discouraged and bummed out when you're around her. The Energy Vampire: it's all about her life and her problems and you're her unpaid therapist. She wants you to listen to her every thought and feeling or hold her hand and tell her what to do. You feel drained whenever you have contact with her, which makes sense, because she's the type who can suck the life right out of you! The Flake: She's habitually late, frequently cancels plans at the last minute or doesn't bother to show up at all. Or maybe she "disappears" whenever she has a new boyfriend and doesn't resurface until they break up or unless she wants something from you. She's constantly letting you down and giving you a "dog ate my homework" type of excuse. The bottom line is, you just can't count on her. The Frienemy: you never know if she has your back or if she's stabbing you in it. If she gives you a compliment it's usually a backhanded one. When you set out to accomplish something, she's trying to discourage or sabotage you. When something great happens for you, she's green with envy. The saying, "With friends like that you don't need enemies", was invented for her. The Trainwreck: she's constantly in crisis and expects you to "save" her. Maybe she's engaging in unhealthy or dangerous behaviors and wants you to join her. Perhaps she's destructive, out of control or spiteful. Her life is like a runaway train and she wants you along for the ride. But it's no fun being her sidekick, in fact, it can be downright scary! So what do you do if you have some fictitious friends as described above? If they're not willing to join you on the positive track, do yourself a favor and limit or discontinue contact with them. When you are around them, be very aware of your behavior. It's a good idea to put up a positive mental "force field" so that their negativity doesn't infiltrate your thoughts, actions and words. And lest I be accused of being Pollyanna-ish, let me add, true friends are there during happy AND sad times. They provide support and comfort in all circumstances and it makes a big difference how they go about it. So if you're engaging in behaviors such as "co-rumination" (excessively talking about, rehashing and dwelling on problems), co-dependence or wallowing in negativity and defeatism, that's not serving you or your friends. What does serve you are healthy, mutually supportive relationships that bring out the best in you. As this quote beautifully expresses, "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." So cherish and be grateful for the people who know your song and tell them how much you appreciate having them in your life. Until next time, keep refining! Love, Melissa Time to Refine Tips 1. Think about what kind of friend you are. If you're not already demonstrating the qualities you feel exemplify a true friend, start now! 2. Seek out and connect with "Eagles". When you encounter an Eagle, strike up a conversation and ask about his or her path to success. Set the intention to attract more Eagles into your inner circle. 3. Limit or discontinue contact with "fictitious friends" such as Downers, Energy Vampires, Flakes, Frienemies and Trainwrecks. When you are around them, put up a positive mental "force field" so their negativity doesn't infiltrate your thoughts, actions and words. 4. Focus your energy on healthy, mutually supportive relationships that uplift and bring out the best in you. 5. Cherish and be grateful for the gift of friendship. Take time to tell your friends how much you appreciate them! © 2007 Melissa O'Brien. All rights reserved. email: melissa@liferefinery.com phone: 805-492-2782 web: http://www.liferefinery.com (please visit my News & Updates page to subscribe)

"I can choose peace rather than this." ~Darren Meade Have you noticed how so much of our "entertainment" revolves around drama? Whether it's sensationalized news programs, reality shows, sit-coms or celebrity coverage, the drama quotient is off the charts! Even a classic show like Seinfeld (I still love watching those reruns), which was famous for being "a show about nothing" was really about creating drama out of nothing. The characters thrived on it and we loved it! Hilarious to watch but definitely not something you would want to create in your own life. Or is it? The truth is, many people are addicted to drama. And in my opinion, drama is behind much of the turmoil people experience in their lives, from lack of inner peace to conflict at work and friction at home. So if you are caught up in the cycle of drama, it's time to refine. Here's how... As I was working on this newsletter a friend sent me a wonderful concept created by a fellow coach, Rick Tamlyn. It's called "The Drama Triangle" and in it he brilliantly outlines the roles people play when involved in drama. See if you recognize yourself in any of the following descriptions: 1. The "Victim" - "Poor Me"; feels oppressed, helpless, hopeless and powerless; looks for a "Rescuer" who will perpetuate his/her negative feelings. If one stays in the Victim position, it will block him/her from making decisions, solving problems, experiencing pleasure and self-understanding. 2. The "Persecutor" - "It's All Your Fault"; blames, criticizes, keeps the Victim oppressed, is mobilized by anger and has a rigid, authoritative attitude. 3. The "Rescuer" - "Let Me Help You"; rescues when (s)he really doesn't want to. Feels guilty if (s)he doesn't rescue and keeps the Victim dependent. Tamlyn describes The Drama Triangle as "a seductive high-energy blame game which serves to redirect the focus of attention, energy and dialogue from personal accountability to blame, defense and rescue. The greater the payback for being a Victim, Rescuer or Persecutor, the greater the intensity of the drama. The greater the intensity of the drama, the more distracted the players will be." So take a look at your life. Are you often involved in conflicts with friends, relatives, co-workers, strangers (other drivers for example)? Do you spend a lot of time complaining, worrying or agonizing about people and/or situations? Are you drained by "stewing" rather than focusing on truly important matters in your life? If you answered yes to any of these questions you could be dealing with a drama addiction or at least prone to allowing drama into your life. Let's examine some possible reasons people are attracted to drama: 1. They were raised in a drama addicted family so they're used to it. I can relate to this since I grew up in a very drama-driven environment. It seemed that there was always a family feud or grudge, usually over some perceived slight blown way out of proportion. After living in this highly emotional climate for so long, it became "normal" for me. I eventually realized that living in drama was draining my energy and costing me dearly; the price was a peaceful life. Fortunately, I made a choice to replace drama with peace. 2. They are looking for excitement to spice up their life. When people are bored or feeling like they're stuck in the same old routine, they may look for ways to shake things up. Activities such as spreading gossip, getting involved in other people's turmoil and attempting to drag others into conflicts are a means to stir up drama where it doesn't exist. 3. They want to avoid dealing with truly important matters in their life. Becoming embroiled in a drama is a way to distract from more important matters. Afterall, how can you concentrate on the business at hand when so much time and energy is consumed by your latest soap opera? 4. They want attention. In the entertainment business there's a saying that "there's no such thing as bad publicity." It implies that the only thing that matters is keeping the celebrity in the public eye. As with publicity, for some people, there's no such thing as "bad" attention. By "starring" in their own melodrama they make sure the focus remains on them. 5. They've grown accustomed to being a victim. Although we think of victims as weak and helpless, when it comes to drama, victims actually have the power to control and manipulate those who choose to participate in the conflict with them. And as long as you choose to play a role in a drama, you will attract people who want to engage in it with you. Now let's talk about how to break the cycle of drama: Notice and acknowledge your participation. As with any behavior you want to change, bringing awareness to it is the first step to moving beyond it. When you start getting sucked into or creating a drama or you feel the urge to engage in any drama fueling behaviors (blaming, criticizing, arguing, overreacting, self-pitying, rescuing, harboring anger/resentment), stop, take a breath and ask yourself, "what's driving my behavior?" and "how can I choose peace and personal accountability instead?" Journal your thoughts. Explore your attachment to drama; think about what you're trying to avoid, the role you're playing in dramas and the actions you will take to move from drama to peace. Start visualizing a peaceful life and make choices that support your vision. The more you focus on peace the more you will attract it into your life. You'll also find that as you move toward peace, you will no longer attract "drama co-stars". Just like heat seeking missiles, they will move onto a new target. Most people develop their drama addiction at an early age and it becomes more ingrained over time. So it's going to be a process to replace the "comfortable discomfort" of drama with peace. At first, peace may actually feel quite unsettling and you may want to "stir things up". But through conscious practice, you'll begin to actually cherish the calm. So much so, that you will eventually develop a distaste for drama. So any time you are tempted by drama, remember and say to yourself, "I can choose peace rather than this." Until next time, keep refining! Love, Melissa Time to Refine Tips 1. Notice and acknowledge your participation in drama. As with any behavior you want to change, bringing awareness to it is the first step to moving beyond it. 2. When you start to get sucked into a drama cycle or engage in drama fueling behaviors, stop, breathe and ask yourself "what's driving my behavior?" Determine how you can choose peace and personal accountability instead. 3. Journal your thoughts. Explore your attachment to drama; think about what you're trying to avoid, what role you're playing in dramas and the actions you will take to move from drama to peace. 4. Start visualizing a peaceful life and make choices that support your vision. The more you focus on peace the more you will attract it into your life. 5. Any time you are tempted by drama, remember and say to yourself, "I can choose peace rather than this." © 2007 Melissa O'Brien. All rights reserved. email: melissa@liferefinery.com phone: 805-492-2782 web: http://www.liferefinery.com (please visit my News & Updates page to subscribe)